7 Random or Weird Facts About JennyJuice

Posted in General Juice  on November 20th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Thanks to my super awesome friend, Cassie, I’ve been tagged for the ‘7 Random or Weird Facts About Me’ game. Oh fun! So here they are, readers. Enjoy!

7 Facts About JennyJuice That Shouldn’t be Admitted:

1) If I’ve had too much to drink in a public place (for shame!) the theme song from the Retiman’s ‘Au Couture’ commercials (ooh la la) plays in my head when I walk. And yes, I work the walk for maximum effect.

2) Whenever somebody says ‘bath’ I sing Ernie’s ‘Rubber Ducky’ song from Sesame Street - sometimes out loud. Then, of course, I have to picture that person playing with their rubber ducky in the bathtub.

3) Birds freak me out.

4) I have the world’s ugliest feet.

5) I would totally get naked with Justin Long, the guy from the Mac commercials. Being that I work for a Microsoft partner, that makes me a traitor AND a whore.

6) When I was 11 years old my hands could reach my knee caps (standing straight, arms at my sides).

7) I believe in soul mates, true flames and “things that go bump in the night”.

So anybody out there feeling odd or different, rest assured. There are far worse freaks than you! :)

What’s With All This Stuff (Continued)?

Posted in General Juice  on November 8th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

(Grumble, grumble, grumble.) Okay. I’m back. Now where were we? Oh yes (sighs). The toys.

Why are some of us so obsessed with stuff – the houses, cars, gadgets, even junk? Here’s a shout out to all the pack-rats out there: You haven’t even opened your neighbour’s Operation game that you bought for 50 cents at his yard sale 12 years ago! Why are you hanging on to that junk? It’s a good thing you don’t move often.

I just don’t understand why we’re driven to consume more and more, to collect more and more belongings – including things we couldn’t possibly need. I understand why we like sleek, shiny cars and flat-screen t.v.’s, self-indulgent as we are, but how can we possibly need 10 of them? Or an entire rec. room dedicated to a bottle “collection”. Seriously, what’s wrong with us?

All these things we “need” to own don’t even make us happy, though we foolishly believe that they will. They sometimes even make the people around us very unhappy. Of course, I don’t mean because they’re jealous and want to have a new car, too. We care more about our possessions than the living, breathing souls closest to us. (Come on now. Be honest. I know I’m not the only person to ever refuse to let my little sister into my new car with her strawberry milkshake – though I later reconsidered and said milkshake later landed all over the front seat, as predicted. Oh snap!)

Yes, I’ve had my own obsessions with stuff. Fashion can, at times, be my biggest weakness. I once moved from Yellowknife, NWT to Small Town, AB with a U-Haul trailer containing my fancy-schmancy treadmill, electronics and a whole lot of clothes. That’s it. No furniture, housewares or anything remotely useful. Oh, I had many fine, beautiful clothes. Eventually, I stopped dying a slow, foodless death of misery and self-hatred and got far too fat for my super-model clothes anyway!

I, personally, had to lose everything and start from scratch a few times over before I finally learned that material gain is the absolute worst goal or motivator with no hope for any true, personal gratification.

That’s not to say we should never buy ourselves any toys ever again but that we should keep them in their rightful position in our order of priorities – at the very bottom. In the end:
1) It’s the end.
2) We can’t take it with us – wherever we may be going.

I know when I get to the pearly gates I will have many wrongs to account for. One of my responses will be:

 

 

“Yes, God, I sold my soul to the devil for a glorious cello.
I also helped people and innocent animals often and tried my best, for the most part, to be a good and kind person.
Shall I fetch my cello and play you a hymn now?”

 

 

Wish me luck!

What’s With All This Stuff?

Posted in General Juice  on November 8th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

 

 

 

 Yeah, that’s stolen from a t-shirt but it has stuck with me. If any of you have this t-shirt, by the way, I’d be willing to pay top dollar for it. Ha ha!

Hang on. Be right back. Must…check…Ebay.

For The Love of an Irish Wolfhound

Posted in Soul Juice  on September 1st, 2008 by: jennyjuice
Mistyglen's Rising Star a.k.a. Riser t

Mistyglen's Rising Star a.k.a. Riser

I understood that living with an Irish Wolfhound would change my life. I did my research. I knew they were a rich man’s dog – expensive to buy, feed and maintain. I knew all about the special considerations necessary for his safe growth (Sleep! No running!), accommodation (Lots of space!), feeding (Moistened, elevated.), exercising (Not on pavement! NO RUNNING!), transportation (No Austin Mini for me!), veterinary care (Both arms, both legs, most of my stomach and my mother’s entire left half!) and comfort (Dog beds aren’t available in size ‘extra jumbo large’ but an overstuffed futon mattress is perfect).

I knew my Gentle Giant would steal my heart and crush it entirely when he fell into his early grave.

Yes, siree! The very first time I looked into his mystical, golden eyes I understood that life as I knew it was about to change forever. I had no idea how much – no idea at all.

It started with simple, basic changes like clearing off coffee and end tables, then just moving them out entirely for the extra space; or breaking routine habits like leaving food unattended on the kitchen table that my 85 pound, 5-month-old puppy could reach. I started to look at the small city and surrounding areas in terms of grass, gravel and field versus pavement and walkways in order to best strategize sufficient walking routes with minimal joint stressors (pavement) and hazards (cats; glassy alleys; the angry, German Shepherd down the street).

Slowly, as Riser grew taller and health issues began to surface the simple changes became a little more complicated. I changed jobs frequently, ever on the quest for more dollars and less hours away from my sensitive hound. I needed a bigger house and yard so I moved Riser to a farm. The coyotes didn’t bother us – no body or thing ever did thanks to my giant. And of course, my big, beautiful beast outgrew my car.

He had always been a finicky eater or so I thought. It didn’t matter how much money I spent on a particular brand of premium kibble because the result was always the same – one great big snout up! Adding gravy to his food worked for a little while. So did peanut butter, yogurt, steak, etc. Sometimes it worked but sometimes isn’t reliable and it’s certainly not enough. I even tried NOT feeding him for a day which didn’t improve his appetite one iota and made me feel like an evil wretch. Nothing worked. I couldn’t keep any weight on his slender, growing frame. This became a serious issue when he needed antibiotics for reoccurring urinary tract infections.  Fourteen days of antibiotics equals fourteen less pounds of Riser – most distressing!

Then one day as I was unpacking groceries and not keeping an eye on Riser he decided to help himself to an entire family pack of ground beef. I thought back to the chicken stolen from counter tops, the sandwiches stolen from the top of the entertainment center, cheese snatched from the table and the Tim Horton’s coffees that mysteriously disappeared when left on the kitchen island. Riser had the most endearing way of gazing into your eyes lovingly and drooling with abandon whenever real food (or ‘people food’ in layman’s terms) was near.

And behold - a great revelation was passed unto me. Riser was not a picky eater. He wasn’t finicky at all! He would eat any real food – meat, vegetables, fruit, dairy, pizza – you name it! I even suspected that he may have been trying to tell me that he just wanted real food all along and it only took me 2 years to catch on! (Yeah, I know. Swift like tortoise.)

So I fed him. And I mean REALLY fed him. I ground up all kinds of healthful dishes for him. Yes, Riser was on a raw food diet. I can hear some of you readers yelling your objections from way over here. Yes, I was aware of the dangers but I’ll tell you this: he ate.  A lot. And he did well.

I eventually took him off the raw food diet because of my fears and compromised with a mixture of kibble and dehydrated raw food (safer). My point is that for the last year of Riser’s life I averaged 500 dollars a month in dog food expenses. That amount came nowhere near his veterinary costs.

  • I was running out of money and credit, even with the Bank of Mom.
  • Riser was very sick.
    Twice I was told the he may never be able to run again and walking would never be the same – twice he recuperated even with his heart problems. Luckily, I had employment with a technology company that allowed me to work from home and care for him.
  • I had to start the process of letting go and preparing for his inevitable and forthcoming death.
    He wasn’t even 3 years old, not even mature.

These were not simple changes but my gentle hound was worth every tortured tear and sleepless night they brought. I’m sorry, dear reader, but I could not possibly describe all the ways the good natured, even tempered and often humorous Irish Wolfhound stands above other canine breeds. I do, however, want to share the Icelandic Saga of Nial with you, just in case you haven’t read it:
Saying Goodbye

I will give thee a dog which I got in Ireland. He is huge of limb, and a follower equal to an able man. Moreover, he hath a man’s wit and will bark at thine enemies but never at thy friends. And he will see by each man’s face whether he be ill or well disposed to thee. And he will lay down his life for thee.

There are many don’ts , precautions and general inconveniences to be aware of if you’re considering owning an Irish Wolfhound. Here are JennyJuice’s top 4 tips that I must make bold-faced note of:

1) Choose a reputable breeder.
Do your research. I highly recommend Mistyglen Irish Wolfhounds and want to make it clear that bad breeding did NOT play any part whatsoever in the health issues I encountered with Riser.

2) Don’t leave a wolfhound puppy unattended in your home EVER and especially during teething.
He/she will eat your home. I kid you not. I read this caution on multiple websites of multiple wolfhound experts/owners. I took one look at my big, calm puppy snoring away, spread eagle on his back in the middle of my living room floor and thought, surely that is an exaggeration. My perfect, mellow puppy wouldn’t eat my house.

Nope. Not even a slight exaggeration. Wolfhound-proof your yard, too. My stupidity lost me my first brand new sofa ever (destroyed – frame and all); the living room carpet (entirely ripped out); parts of walls; the seat, metal foot pegs, wiring and other costly parts of my dad’s Harley; the lawnmower and the list goes on – all within an hour or two.

For the record, my wolfhound never had digestive problems (other than the occasional dish cloth that had to be helped out of his rear end) and x-rays never revealed any metals or foreign objects. He was also never punished for these episodes, much to the dismay of some because he was never caught in the act and most importantly, it was my fault, not his. And yes, he had many chew toys and rawhide bones.

3) Do not let a wolfhound puppy run, not even a little.
Some breeders advise that it is safe to let them run after their platelets have sealed at approximately eighteen months of age. My next hound will not run until he’s full grown. This may sound extreme but a wolfhound’s growing skeleton is extremely fragile, which I learned the hard way.

Riser’s spine did not grow correctly with the worst consequence being an extreme narrowing of the cervical spine disc space between C6 and C7. Veterinarians assured me this was not my fault and that his spine just happened to have grown incorrectly. Even if I could not have prevented this entirely I doubt that it was likely to have been as bad if I had never let my wolfhound run freely. I had not been reckless but I clearly risked too much. That is a burden that will stay with me forever.

It was Riser’s need of a spinal surgery that he couldn’t have because of a heart condition (valve regurgitation, or heart murmur, and atrial enlargement) which he was on medication for, that was his demise. I  made the decision to end his suffering at just over three years old. It was the hardest, most heart wrenching and least selfish decision I’ve ever had to make.

4) ECHOCARDIOGRAM!!!
Say it with me now: echocardiogram. At least once a year. I couldn’t possibly stress this enough. Guaranteed, your wolfhound’s gentle heart will fail him if none of the many known health issues associated with the breed don’t get him first.

In conclusion, dear reader, assuming you actually read this far, if you’re willing to provide the love and level of care required to keep a wolfhound happy, healthy and safe I guarantee you it will be worth your while. I love all animals and especially dogs, dear reader, but there is none that can compare to the magnificent Irish Wolfhound. My family might tell you that Riser imposed his big self on their clean home and peaceful lives. What they really mean to say is that he imprinted his large, beautiful spirit on their unsuspecting hearts forever.

What do you have to do to earn the love of an Irish Wolfhound? Nothing. To deserve it? Everything you possibly can.

Riser's Last Walk

Riser's Last Walk

Happiness and the Horny, Little Humper

Posted in Oprah's Juice  on July 10th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Dear Oprah,

So sorry I missed your show today. I know you must’ve been entirely crushed after frequent, failed attempts at catching a mere glimpse of my lovely face in the endless stream of home viewers.

Surely, Stedman gave you my message? You did patch things up with Stedman, did you not? Oh dear. Just to clarify, if you’re not with Stedman and you got a flaming bag of dog poo on your door step…that was NOT my message!

My message went like this:

Hey Toots! Gonna miss your show today. My dog keeps trying to hump me and I’m afraid to reach for the remote. No sudden movements. You know. Call me! :)

That brings me to the point of this letter, dear friend. I understand the Dog Whisperer, himself, has become quite enamoured with you since you enlisted his services for your canine issues. (Who could blame him, really? You are, indeed, most spectacular)! I was really hoping you might consider getting some advice for me the next time you’re sipping champagne over fine, European truffles with Mr. Millan.

Is my Boston Terrier X a wacko? He keeps trying to hump me! When he’s not molesting his chosen body part (usually my arm) he’s stealing my under garments and humping them! He humps my bed, my guests, his kennel (after seducing it with multiple licks) and even the air. He’s an air humper, Oprah! A hyper, horny, little air humper!

Is he really that determined to dominate me or is he just…happy…all the time? Please ask Cesar for his thoughts. And does he mind if I contact him later for some man advice, too? Thanks, Oprah! You’re the best.

Hope all is well with you. Be sure to fill me in with all the details. Gotta go. Somebody’s eyeing my wrists while I type. And slobbering. Help!

Your new BFF,

JennyJuice

Oprah’s First Shot of JennyJuice

Posted in Oprah's Juice  on July 10th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Dear Oprah,

Sorry about your luck. It appears as though you might not be getting the premium juice. But you see, this is my favourite juice – the juice that doesn’t take hours to squeeze and is readily available.

I want to share this juice with you, Oprah, because you’re just so fabulous. Now I know you’re busy bettering the world, making peoples’ dreams come true and what-not but I’m going to keep your Oprah Juice coming for those rare days that you feel the need to slum it with we common folk.

Cheers!

Your new best friend,

JennyJuice

Homeless and Hungry in Canada

Posted in Soul Juice  on July 10th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Homeless and Hungry. Please help.

That’s what her sign said.

She was standing off the Whitemud (Edmonton, AB), clutching her cardboard plea for help as the wind tore at her clothing and the rain pelted at her face. But we didn’t even realize she was a woman – and a young one at that. No, we had mistaken her for a man.

The lengthy stream of cars continued to flow right on past him/her. Didn’t anybody see the hunger staring them straight in the face? Have they never been hungry? What if it was their mother? Father? Sister? Brother? Child? Friend?

Doesn’t anybody care?

We wondered if anybody would get him/her a sandwich. Maybe. Maybe not. But we had some pocket change. Why wonder if a hungry person will be fed when we have the power to make sure?

So that’s what we did. We headed to the nearest McDonald’s because we’d like a Big Mac if we were starving now, wouldn’t we?

One Big Mac Meal – Supersized, with a Coke
One hot, apple pie
What McDonald’s meant to me: $7.84
What McDonald’s meant to the hungry:
??!!!

I will never forget those pale, green-blue eyes and how they lowered when we approached, glancing at us quickly before returning to their humble, downcast retreat. And her beautiful, if somewhat hesitant, smile said it all. Still she thanked us. Once. Twice. Three times.

You’re welcome. And you’re not alone. In fact, any one of us could be you on any given day given the right circumstances. I’m so sorry about your luck.

So we left her with her Mickey D’s and headed our own, merry way without a backward glance, patting ourselves on the back for a good deed done. But how many good deeds are left undone? How many people are starving on the streets of this, our great country, that is supposed to be one of the wealthiest and most desirable places to live?

It only takes one voice to cry out and initiate change. It only takes one person to make a difference. One attitude, one simple act – yours.

You have the power to make a difference. If you would appreciate a hard-to-reach meal while starving and shivering on the city streets - afraid and alone - then I challenge you to step up to the plate and ‘do unto others’.

Feed the next homeless person you see. It doesn’t matter how they got to be there but only that they are there and they are hungry, God damn it! Tell your friends and have them pass it on.

If we each feed even just one person we can make a difference. No, we may not end world hunger but ending hunger for just one person is a step in the right direction.

What are you waiting for? Would you make your momma wait? Do it now. Please. Go on. Back away from the computer and do something truly useful with the minutes you may have spent perusing my site.

Construction

Posted in General Juice  on April 28th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Dear Potential Reader:

Please be advised that this site is still under construction. Your patience is appreciated.

Thank you,

JennyJuice

Mind, Body, Soul

Posted in General Juice  on April 28th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Like it or not, we all have a conscience. Whether or not we listen to our consciences and the consequences thereof are subject for another blog entirely so we’ll just stick to the basics. He has a conscience; she has a conscience; you have a conscience and believe it or not, so do I.

My conscience is a fierce and loyal, little redhead named Stephie.  She is a kind and wise soul who practices what she preaches and ‘does unto others’ despite the bad karma of which she is in constant, undeserved supply. When a moral dilemma is at hand I often find myself thinking, what would Stephie do?

Getting to the point, dear reader, of all the advice and tips for a happier spirit I’ve squandered from my Stephie, the following is one of my favourites:

Everyday you must do three things for yourself, no matter how small – one for your mind, one for your body and one for your soul.

It’s simple and truly beneficial. I’ve provided a few examples for your reference. Please be advised that JennyJuice.com will not be liable for any damages incurred, physically or mentally, while performing these activities.

DAY I
Mind:     Read a chapter of your favourite novel.
Body:    Dance like nobody’s watching for at least one entire song.
Soul:     Visit your favourite pal and talk about makeup, beer or whatever suits your fancy.

DAY 2
Mind:     Play a word game or complete a crossword.
Body:     Do a few push-ups during spare moments throughout the day.
Soul:     Smile and/or say something kind to every person you see.

DAY 3
Mind:     Figure out how to build a f@!%ing website.
Body:    Walk your beloved horse-dog until you no longer care about the f@!%ing website.
Soul:     Spend some time with good ol’ Jose Cuervo. What website?
(Just kidding. Not really. Seriously, I am. Maybe.)

Welcome to JennyJuice.com!

Posted in General Juice  on April 28th, 2008 by: jennyjuice

Looking for a little porn? Crime? Scandal? General negativity, perhaps? If you answered ‘yes’ or ‘maybe’ to any of the above (or added an unscrupulous suggestion of your own) then move along, please. That’s not my juice.

If you’re looking for an easily ingestible dose of fun that may occasionally be sprinkled with a little ‘weird’ or ‘crazy’, however, then come on in and make yourself comfortable! You need some JennyJuice.

Ladies:

Have you ever experienced or been the girlfriend that’s forever dyeing her hair different colours? Now imagine said hair-colour-a-holic one day damages her hair so irreparably that she has to shave it all off.

What was she thinking? What got into her? Chances are she got a dose of a little something I like to call JennyJuice.

Gentlemen:

Have you ever experienced or been the manfriend that always says the wrong thing to women? Now imagine said wannabe-manwhore attempts to entice a victim with “Hey! Wanna get naked and have dirty sex?”. (In this scenario we’ll assume he gets an immediate bitch-slap).

So what was he thinking? What got into him? Might’ve been the JennyJuice.

That’s my juice. I did not create it but I certainly made it an art form. It’s a little off and doesn’t always fit in but it’s usually good for a laugh. Who really can’t do without an extra laugh?

So help yourself to some JennyJuice. Take it with you (it won’t spill in your car), share it with your friends and come back for another dose!